Our community has lost a precious young man this week, Shep Case. He was a sophomore at Christ Presbyterian Academy. His family has graciously directed memorial gifts to be made to Daystar. This letter is our response. We wanted to share it with you, as a reminder of Shep and as a way for all of us to process the tragedies that leave us with more questions.
O Thou who comest,
Who art the hope of the world, give us hope. Give us hope that beyond the worst the world can do there is such a best that not even the world can take it from us, hope that none whom thou hast loved is ever finally lost, not even to death.
(Taken from The Hungering Dark, by Frederick Buechner)
In the liturgical calendar, the Saturday of Easter weekend has no name. Thursday is Maundy Thursday, signifying the Last Supper of Christ with his disciples. Friday, the day of crucifixion is called Good Friday, because it is the day that ultimately brings about our highest good in the form of grace. And Sunday, as we know and celebrate, is Easter. But Saturday has no name. And that is exactly what today feels like.
Shep Case was a young man with an infectious smile, a tender heart and a fiery spirit. For you to be receiving this letter means that you were somehow touched by Shep’s life, or Polly’s, Mark’s, Andrew’s, Katherine’s, or even Sam’s. But, just as you were touched, you are now living with us in the Saturday moment.
It is between the death of Jesus and his rising again. Saturday has no name. The Bible says nothing of what was going on that day after what felt like the untimely death of Jesus. But we can guess. The disciples were mourning. Questioning. Grieving. Yelling. Quiet. They were left alone with their trust in a God who said he was the way and the life. But now his life was gone.
But Sunday was coming. Jesus knew it that Saturday. He allowed those who loved him a day of mourning, knowing He was coming back. The story was not over. And neither is Shep’s.
Today, we don’t understand. We are left questioning. Grieving. Yelling. Quiet. But Sunday is coming. It’s coming one day for us, and it’s actually already here for Shep. He has no more pain and no more sorrow. He has life.
We are grateful for your love for the Case family. We are grateful for their hearts and their courage on this Lenten Saturday. And they join us in gratitude for your support of them. As was so eloquently said at Shep’s funeral, through Jesus and because of that Easter Sunday, no one loved is lost.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
A Lenten Saturday
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Loving Our Children Well
I was recently asked to speak in on the topic of "Loving our Children Well"...a phrase that has become quite common around these parts. I thought I'd share with you a few thoughts on the idea.
What do you think of when you hear the phrase "Loving Your Children Well?" I think it sounds really great, but like a lot of pressure. Even when I hear stories of it happening...and you all could probably name a few. A friend recently told me that he intentionally put his son on a losing soccer team because he had such struggles with competitiveness. A mother who brings her daughter to Daystar for extreme social anxiety told me that the night of her daughter's first co-ed dance, she stood in the parking lot praying for her daughter the entire dance. That is loving your child well. And even as I hear those stories, I start to sink just a little.
Why? Because I'm afraid I'm not going to get it right. I'm afraid I don't know how to love her well. Which, in reality, means I'm making it more about me than I am her. I"M afraid I am not going to love her well.
So what happens to our loving well when we're on our 13th night in a row of 4 hours of sleep?
Or when our song first learns the word no and says it 27 times per hour?
Or our daughter first learns the power of the word hate and uses it against us? In these times, I'm not even sure loving well is the issue at hand.
1)Embrace the Ish.
I recently asked a group of high school girls if they thought their parents had loved them well. One girl looked at me, raised her shoulders and said "Ish." Ish is right. Or the word could be sometimes. Or every once in a while. We did a 2 hour live radio interview last year about our book Raising Girls. We had shared lots with this host when in the last few seconds of the interview with the music swelling in the background, he said "So, what you're saying is that if a parent does all of these things you're talking about, they're going to turn out to be great kids?" I panicked. Over the swelling music, I shouted "Not in a fallen world." And that was the end of the show. This side of heaven, our loving well is going to come in glimpses. We will love our children wonderfully, and then we'll fail them. We'll say powerful, life giving words and then lose it in anger. But, Romans 5 tells us that character comes through suffering and perseverance. And we serve a God who redeems every one of our own stuff.
2)Deal with your own stuff
In a recent book, Tim Keller talks about the story in Luke 15 of the prodigal son. He talks about the lost-ness of both the prodigal and the elder son. Why? Because both are trying to make their lives work? One by going to get whatever he wants and the other by control. He sits back and tries to control himself and his environment to get the outcome he desires.
Another author, Richard Rohr, talks about how we truly become ourselves around the age of 34. The reason we do is because we're finally at an age where we realize that 1)the world doesn't work the way we thought it would and 2)we don't work the way we think we should. Once again, that old fallen world--and our fallen selves. Our sin is going to come out in the lives of our children. Our eating issues will ripple over into eating issues for them. Our anger will become their anger on the playground. One of the best things we can do as parents is to deal with our own stuff. Know that you will have it, and deal with it when it comes up. Any attempt on our end to control it is not going to change the fact that it is there.
3)Enjoy your children
Donald Miller says that "No one will listen to you unless they sense that you like them." This is true even of our children. But when our goal is to control the environment, ourselves, or even our children to get a desired outcome. When we're too focused on loving well, we quit becoming ourselves and become really tight. It is only in the letting go and accepting the world and our fallenness that we truly can enjoy our children.
4)Trust in God's promises rather than our perfect parenting. God has promised hope and good and life abundant for us and our children. Frederick Buechner says that the command "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind," in the end, becomes more of a promise than a command. As we yield ourselves to God, He brings that promise to life. You shall love the Lord your God. You shall also love your children well--because it is His love and His will to love them, even through our mistakes.
